This Week in Glorious Isla Vista

I know I should write some original content at some point, but that probably isn’t going to happen now that I’m in the middle of reading Edmund Spenser’s one-thousand page ass lick to Queen Elizabeth (otherwise known as The Faerie Queene.) Once again, just to prove that not only do I have a weblog but I am also still alive, here’s a couple of samples from the Sheriff’s Blotter:

An argument over a game of “beer pong,” a ping-pong drinking game, escalated when two players were beaten up by four contenders. According to the victims, who were heavily intoxicated during the incident, the suspects attacked and then, adding insult to injury, stole their bicycles. After the early-morning incident, the victims called 9-1-1.

Once on the scene at 5 a.m., using the intoxicated victims’ recollection of the incident, deputies pieced together the report. Following the incident, both battered victims were treated at a local hospital.

Animals. I think that this is one of the reasons I never got into sports, even those involving beer. I suppose this kind of thing could happen over a really competitive split-screen game of Halo, but I thankfully hang out with a crowd that is, for the most part, pretty wimpy. Then again, I have no clue as to how a fight could break out over beer pong. Could someone perhaps explain this to me? Maybe I just don’t know how it’s played. On with the second item:

While on patrol just before midnight in Isla Vista, a deputy came upon four individuals dancing on the hood of a vehicle parked on Del Playa Road. Leading one beer-soaked subject away from the scene as the others quickly dispersed, the deputy questioned the motive. After learning the vehicle did not belong to the subject, the officer asked the subject if he thought the victim would appreciate somebody dancing on the hood of his or her car.

The dancer, visiting from San Luis Obispo, admitted his guilt and foolishness and was arrested for vehicle malicious mischief.

Reason number 1,207 not to park your car (or even drive) in Isla Vista. In my twisted fantasy world, in which I am the iron-fisted dictator, the victim of crimes like this would be given several opportunities to show the perpetrator exactly how he or she “feels” about this sort of crap. Deep in my heart I am really not a very nice guy. 

A Quick Note to Anyone Who Actually Reads This Thing

I’ve decided not to kill allow Among the Barbariansto go softly into the night, largely owing to Spring Break and my status as a free man for the next week or so. I might change the layout, though, so if things start looking weird it’s just because I’m messing about with the place. WordPress’s layouts are uniformly ugly, but I am getting the service for free, so the only thing to do is try and make it somehow less ugly or at less unappealing to my eyes. I have also taken the liberty of removing a few posts that were chapping my ass because I’m the administrator and that gives me executive authority over my narcissistic little virtual reality.

If I can figure out what the hell I really want to prattle on about, I’ll probably create another weblog and link to it. Until then, what you’re reading is my boredom.

Last Night Google Saved My Life

Due to one of my old posting topics, namely the aftermath(s) of the local party scene through the amused eyes of the editors of the local sheriff’s blotter, I get a lot of search engine hits from queries on crime in Isla Vista. I momentarily resurrect this topic because something in this week’s blotter caught my eye:  

Working on a hunch after spotting an acquaintance wearing a T-shirt similar to one she’d been missing, the victim decided to check popular blog websites to do some investigating. Her research proved useful when she found online photos of the acquaintance wearing other articles of clothing that had been missing.

Using the evidence collected by the victim, deputies contacted the subject in question. In a tearful confession, the 20-year-old university student explained the reason behind her actions.

“I work three jobs and I don’t have any money … I didn’t think she cared if I took a couple of her things,” the Isla Vista resident tried to reason.

After returning a number of belongings stolen from the victim, including a Chanel purse and Juicy Couture jeans, the suspect was arrested for grand theft.

Crime doesn’t pay, kids, but it does give me a small fragment of the twenty or so hits this humble weblog receives on a daily basis. I wonder if the victim of this particularly vicious crime ran across yours truly in the search for her missing Juicy Couture jeans. The world is shrinking. In other crime-related news,

Unfamiliar with his surroundings on a recent visit to Isla Vista, a 22-year-old Fresno resident was arrested for public intoxication. It was just after 2 a.m. when authorities found the man urinating outside the Isla Vista Foot Patrol entrance on Pardall Road.

During his arrest, the man admitted, “I’m not going to lie and say I’m sober.

Who lets these Central Valley yahoos into our little corner of paradise? The Isla Vista Foot Patrol building is the proper territory of UCSB drunks, not Cletus from Fresno. Why, I hear that just a few years ago a man from Turlock was eaten alive by angry Gauchos for trying that exact same stunt. Will they ever learn? 

Another Thursday

The poll over at Faster Than the World today is “Most Overrated Band.” Vote early and vote often for The Doors and The Eagles (so you can be cool like me) and check out my column if you feel like it. I was decompressing after finals when I wrote it, so I’m flinging out the hate left and right, which is my favorite way to do things. Go and be enlightened (or annoyed, it’s really up to you.)

The Fate of a Neglected Weblog

I have no plans to kill this weblog off like I did with the Typepad account and I really don’t want to delete all the content and start over. WordPress doesn’t even give me access to the spam I used to enjoy. That being said, I am considering starting up another weblog with a more coherent theme. I’m not sure what to write about, though possible subjects include violent video games and literature/theory. Among the Barbarians just isn’t working anymore and the beauty of being a nobody is that I can just pack the thing up and move elsewhere. This is why it’s great being small-time. No delusions of grandeur.

Why Do I Bother?

So, for all intents and purposes this blog is just about dead. I really mean to put stuff up here, honestly, it’s just that I’ve been busy clipping my toenails and doing other totally important things. Anyway, I’m up at Faster Than the World again today, but if you read the article be aware of one thing: I wrote that column two hours after suffering a minor panic attack in the middle of class. True story. So instead of reading my column, I recommend reading this rather weird email exchange of which I was a proud member. Also, be sure to vote here for your favorite comedy movie of the bunch. If you don’t see your favorite, feel free to complain to the management in the comments section.